How to Support Someone with Infertility on Mother's Day
Acknowledging INFERTILITY on mother’s day
For many people, Mother’s Day is a time for celebrating being a mom and other mother-child relationships in their life. For those struggling to conceive or wanting children Mother’s Day can highlight a void. There are reminders of the holiday everywhere. From social media to email advertising about finding the right gift for your mom, it’s hard not to feel like the world it rubbing the day in your face. Further, many couples struggling with infertility choose not the share their infertility journey or desire to have kids with those around them. Perhaps they don’t want to “burden” their friends and family with their struggles, or “take away” from the joy of those in their life who managed to conceive without difficulty. These couples may be struggling in silence on a day like Mother’s Day.
How to help
It’s important to not make assumptions about another person’s desire or timeline to have kids. Offer help based on what your friend or family member has shared with you. The safer you make it for them to share, the more they may share with you. Here are some suggestions on how to support them:
1. Talk about it. If they have shared with you their desire to have children, then it is appropriate to acknowledge this void in their life, particularly on Mother’s Day. You may reach out to them and say “I know this day might be hard for you. I am here to talk about it with you if you would like to.” If the person in your life has not shared with you their struggles directly, it’s best to wait for them to bring it up with you before talking about it. Offer general support instead if you suspect these holidays are hard for them.
2. Listen. Listen before you speak. Do not offer advice. Your advice may be well intentioned, but it will only results in hurt. Instead, be an active listener. Let them share and feel heard.
3. Acknowledge their experience. You might not know what it feels like, but you can acknowledge how it might feel to be childless on Mother’s Day. Saying, “I can see how hard this is for you”, may be all they need to hear from you.
4. Offer a distraction. Invite them to do something that is not baby focused on Mother’s Day. Offer them an alternative to attending their family gathering with all the nieces and nephews. Suggest some adult-only plans, where pregnant women and young families are unlikely to be, so that your friend doesn’t have to see reminders of happy families everywhere they go. Go for a hike, grab drinks on a patio, BBQ in your backyard.
5. Plan ahead. Offer to help them plan how to spend the day, so that they are not left without plans, making them feel worse. If they are close to your family, invite them to your Mother’s Day celebration. Be sure to offer your invitation while also giving them permission not to come. If they would prefer to be alone, respect their wishes. Offer to check in on them or drop off a treat at their door instead.
6. Be sensitive. You can be excited about another friend’s pregnancy, but it would be best not to share this story with your friend who is struggling to conceive. The story might be too painful to hear. If you are pregnant, and you have to eventually tell your friend who wants children, do not shock or surprise them with the news. It will likely hurt more to hear about it on social media, or at a surprise gender reveal party. Set up a safe environment where you can tell them directly. Listen to their feelings, acknowledge that this will likely make them feel hurt, and be sensitive how often you talk about your pregnancy going forward.
These tips are geared towards supporting a friend or family member who has been open with you about their desire to have children. Alternatively, some couples are silent about their struggles. We sometimes forget that people all around us might be struggling with the fact that they can’t have children, but they are not talking about it. Do your best to be mindful and sensitive at all times. There are also people who don’t want children, and that’s okay too. If someone hasn’t shared their plans with you, don’t ask, “When are you going to have a baby?” You don’t always know what another person is going through, so be mindful and avoid assuming how anyone feels about motherhood, particularly or Mother’s Day.
Are you struggling to conceive? Would you like someone to talk to? Book a visit to discuss your support options.
Take care,
Dr. Laura Nicholas, ND
This content is not intended to be substituted or interpreted as medical advice and should not be used to diagnose, treat, or prevent any disease or health concern. Please book a consultation with me or a qualified healthcare professional before acting on any information presented here.